Eine Kleine Self Determination

While The Sound of Music started my "Musicals" education, it was not the start of my musical education. That, dear readers, began a few years prior.

In the late 80's, my older brother, Christopher, started fourth grade-and the school orchestra. I drooled over his student violin.  It was shiny! It made NOISE! I wanted it...coveted it, even. I would sneak moments with it, trying to teach myself to hold it & draw the bow over the strings. Where do I put my fingers? Am I holding it right? I didn't care. I wanted to make music. The sound, I am sure, was akin to that of a dying, rabid cat being stepped on and burned with acid.

When I hit fourth grade, it was My Turn. I gobbled up the violin with intense hunger, frustrated by the fact that I wasn't exactly Midori. However, I kept on playing (and still do). Even more than my love for the violin was my love of the music it inspired and created.

This pretty much sums up our differing personalities

I wasn't always the social butterfly I am now. In fact, I had a fierce loner streak. With the exception of a few close friends,  I was kind of scared of my classmates.  My best friend was someone very special...That same Older Brother that introduced me to the violin. (Now, I would have been exposed when I hit fourth grade anyway, but the fact that my Cool Older Brother got to do something that I did not made the lust even deeper).  Christopher and I are as opposite as can be. I grew more extroverted, he grew more introverted. He is very passive and I tend to be a little direct and abrasive. Despite our differences, though, my favorite, heart-warming childhood moments are the nights of staying up Way Too Late playing Scrabble and listening to Mozart, Haydn, Beethoven, Handel, Vivaldi, Tchaikovsky and many others.We shared a love of Boardgames, Books and Bach. Obviously, we were the epitome of coolness. My parents were amazing. the easter bunny would bring me classical CDs in my basket. Santa would bring me Sarasate CD's, rosin, sheet music and other gifts to encourage my "talent." They were Supportive, not pushy. Nurturing, never insulting. It was Elgar for Easter, Vivaldi for Valentines day, and Corelli for Christmas.

School was rough. I never really felt like I "fit in." Many that know me now would be astounded to know that I still get anxiety and waves of self consciousness when surrounded by those I perceive to be the "Cool Kids." I was sort-of picked on, kind of teased, and really just had no love in my heart for the "jocks" "preps" or others who felt that they were superior to a short, dorky, four-eyed bookworm. Music and literature were my escape. Books featuring far off castles, happy endings, and smart heroines were my coping mechanism. My violin was an extension of my soul. It was my diary. It sang my emotions, but never my secrets. We spoke our own little language.

I was not just in love with the music. I was also infatuated by the composers. I studied...I read...and I wanted to see where they grew up, what inspired them, what tortured them...and how they created the music that, written 200 years earlier...Spoke Personally To Me. We communicated in the same language that superseded decades and dialects. I didn't just listen to Rachmaninoff...I deeply felt everything he was trying to say. When I played Bach, it was coming from a secret compartment in my gut.

So once again, I resolved... I WILL GET TO EUROPE. Italy, Vienna, Germany, Paris....It Needed to Happen.