Warning: For the next few minutes, hours, weeks, however long it takes you to read this, I will be exposing sides of me people do not often get to see. Vulnerable, Selfish, Cruel, Vindictive, a little less than Courteous, and...well, to be honest, a pretty Shi*ty human being...at times, severely lacking the "Compassion" I strive to live by. That is why I keep the little "compassion" key on my key-chain. Frankly, I am a passionate, strong willed human being. I am fallible. I make mistakes. I hurt others. Sometimes I need a reminder that there is a higher purpose, other people have feelings, and empathy is not elective.
I just hope that after reading this section, you will realize three things:
1. I make mistakes, but I own up to them.
2. I have experienced the Karma from my actions aka Got What I Deserved and
3. I am glad that God strongly believes in forgiveness, and has allowed me to use the lessons I learned to grow into a better human being. In the end, He blessed me with the most amazing partner on the planet and the chance to experience true love.
Ok, enough of the boring disclaimer. Onto the Train Crash.
On Train #2, there was a varied, hurt and hurtful cast of characters. (names have been changed). As I hinted at, I broke a few hearts along the way. To be fair, however, a few certain ladies put me:
A. In a situation to not date others
B. An attitude where I believed that my ideas of love were nonexistent for me. Oh...pity party.
Lady 1. Let's go back to 2007-2009...and call her Zora. We executed the Proper Lesbian Courtship Ritual: dated, got serious, moved in together, traveled and loved. We got Engaged. Things seemed Great. Except....I was a Class-A Shi*thead. I was not ready for all of that and instead of being an adult, I was an ass. Trust issues on both sides led to an epic explosion on February 19th of 2009...however, the slow demise began about six months earlier. After Zora, I dated some lovely people, but had some intense baggage. I was commitment phobic and bitter. I spent the summer of 2009 alternating between breaking hearts and trying to get Zora back. Thank God the sweetest and hardest hit of these girls, Buffy, eventually forgave me and a great friendship was forged. Zora Also forgave me, and we "reconciled" in the subsequent April, December, January, and July. hmph.
January 2010 brought a change. I met someone who finally made me think moving on from Zora was possible. We will call her Kelly. We met out and about...but she lived three hours away in Kansas. (Funny, I met her 3 hours after Zora told me for the third time she wanted nothing to do with me.)
She eventually turned out to be a big piece of Humble/Karma Pie. (Ms. Not ready for a relationship but you should not be in one because I am moving to Kc and really like you but-oh wait-never mind, I am engaged to this other girl instead). Around the time I met her, AFS job was falling apart, my non-profit work imploded, and I just got turned down for the fourth job I really wanted. I was a MESS. I also started a new level of "low."
Around the same time I met Ms. Kelly the Kommitmentphobe, I started dating a friend of mine. We will call her Anna. When ever "Kelly" was on her way too often cold moments, I ran to Anna. I soon became aware that Anna was developing feelings. I was too selfish to care. Essentially, I was doing to Anna what Kelly was doing to me. I was living 500 Days of Summer in Both Roles.
I finally released Kelly's hold on me around July. She tried to pop back into my life, but I axed that efficiently, with scathing words of deep seeded hatred. Poor Anna was still ever present and around...but I kept her at arms length. I would throw a couple emotional scraps her way to keep her hanging on, but I was never going to fully commit to her. Around this time, I was once again seeing Zora. Now, in my defense, both with Kelly and the Second/Third coming of Zora, I was honest with Anna. She knew I couldn't commit because I was trying to figure out my feelings for those two. However, when things went bad...back I went to her, filling her with false hope...Until...
TSG. We met, fell in love and lived happily ever after. Just Kidding. This is the gay world. NOTHING is that easy. We met at a super classy joint, Tootsies-TWICE-before I got up the nerve to ask her out. (She says I strutted up to her...or sauntered. I did no such thing). July 24th, we had a date over brunch....for Three Hours. We went out again on August 3rd and shared our First Kiss. It lasted, kid you not, 45 minutes. For about a month, we were pretty inseparable. We had nights on the lawn at the Nelson, drinking wine. She would come over, I would cook dinner and we would fall asleep completely wrapped up in a mess of limbs and budding emotions. It seemed great.
At the beginning we both "did not want anything serious"...but, I was in trouble. Random 4 minute breaks in the middle of the day for a "hello" kiss....Her coming to Los Cabos to say" hi" and eat lunch or dinner...constant communication...It did not feel like a "random hook-up" situation or a "casual buddy". It honestly felt like the beginning of a great relationship.
"Great!" I said....
"Yikes!!!" she said....
On August 28th, we went to the Omaha Zoo as a group. It was amazing. On the drive home, something felt weird.On September 1st, we were going to go to a UMKC event together...we went, but she was quiet and the atmoshpere felt tense. We went do dinner after, but I sat there with knots in my stomach that dissolved into tears in my eyes.
On September 8th, We were supposed to have a Concert date. I decided to have a Dinner Party instead so I could meet her friends.
The morning of the dinner party, with my feelings of Apprehension, I said "Enough. I am Going". Train #1 was sitting there ripe for the picking, Train #2 was on a crash course mission, and there was no time like the present.
I hit "click"...
The subsequent Dinner Party will forever be referred to as "DPFH"-Dinner Party From Hell. Things weren't just FEELING weird: Things WERE weird. She showed up an hour late. Drunk. She seemed to spend the whole time sending flirty text messages under the table to someone. I felt offended, disrespected and heart broken....the following morning, after a sleepless night of anxiety, crying, and frustration, I ended things with TSG.
At least there was that bright spot...right? Europe? yep...it couldn't have come at a better time.
SO....IN Summary aka The Wreck of My Life:
Train #1-Broken Down
Train #2- Inevitable Collision
Me?- Hitting "click" on Orbitz
CRASH!!!!
Dinner Party.
Broken Heart
heartache with bright spot.
At least I finally had the "catalyst", "lightning bolt" "kick in the ass" I needed to make this trip happen, even if it was with such an emotional toll.
But wait..you say...how is she TSG if you ended it??? Wait, and See, Sillies...Don't be so Impatient.
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